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Category: Awkward English

Sorry I Vanished

Sorry I Vanished

May was a pretty exciting month for me. I started a full-time job as a technical writer, which is quite a bit different from what I had been doing. And going from teaching a few classes a week to working 40 hours a week has pretty much wrecked my routine, but after a month, I think I’ve settled into a new one.

The beginning of the month was especially rough, as I wasn’t yet comfortable driving to work (stick-shifts are rough!), we weren’t sure exactly when we would get our second car, and we still had to get the insurances all worked out. So, I took the train, which takes twice to three-times as long as driving. I was looking at a total of three hours on public transportation a day, which is doable, but not enjoyable. In my naivete, I had hoped to work on blogging during that time, but I had to change trains and buses multiple times during the trip, rarely staying on the same one for more than half an hour. I did play a lot of Trivia Crack, though.

We did get the car stuff worked out about halfway through, though. The shorter commute has really helped to get my life back on track, but I’m still exhausted when I get home – and then I can’t sleep because I’ve had five cups of coffee to keep me going. It’s a bad cycle.

But as I get used to the route, and the job, things are getting better. Mr. Faultier helps out a lot with his general life organizational skills. And the security of a steady job that I enjoy has helped to settle a lot of my worries and stress. That stress may come back when I’m no longer new and being offered help left and right, but for now it’s nice.

I’ve got makeup and skincare products I want to review, as well as what I think are clever observations on life in Germany I wish to share, so we will hopefully return to your regularly scheduled program soon.

In the meantime, here are some poorly designed shirts:

That's not how English works.
That’s not how English works.
Can we stop with hashtags on clothing?
Can we stop with hashtags on clothing?
I feel like this is from the Keep Calm meme, but Hurry On is the opposite of Keeping Calm.
I feel like this is from the Keep Calm meme, but Hurry On is the opposite of Keeping Calm.
Just no.
Just no.
We’re Renovating

We’re Renovating

Last year when we moved into our apartment, we were very ambitious. We wanted to get everything done right then so we wouldn’t worry about it later. But as the work went on, we realized that it might be good to put a few things on the back burner – mostly our guest room.

So for the past year, our “guest room” has mostly just been a storage room while we haphazardly collected furniture here and there from relatives. Finally, though, we have started on the renovations. And by “we” I mean mostly my husband, my mother-in-law and her husband. I’m really not good with the whole home maintenance thing. I pick out the wallpaper and make coffee.

Picking out the wallpaper meant that we go to go to Roller, an inexpensive furniture chain here in Germany. We unfortunately went about half an hour before close, so I didn’t get to take as many pictures as I wanted. Though, we will probably have to go back later for a few things we were unable to pick up.

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I neglected to get pictures before Mr. Faultier started ripping down the wallpaper, but here is a glimpse of what the room looked like near the beginning of the process.

I actually kind of liked this wallpaper when we first looked at the apartment, but the more I looked at it, the more I started to hate it.
I actually kind of liked this wallpaper when we first looked at the apartment, but the more I looked at it, the more I started to hate it.

Now we have a wall and a quarter wallpapered and the daybed completely assembled (minus mattresses, we still need to buy mattresses).

I'm in a bit of an interior design rut. We have accent walls everywhere...
I’m in a bit of an interior design rut. We have accent walls everywhere…

We got the daybed from one of Mr. Faultier’s friends and I’m really excited about it, which is probably a weird thing to be excited about. I have a feeling that I wanted one as a teen/child and never got, maybe that’s why?

We’ve still got a desk and a wardrobe hanging out in the garage, but that will come up when we’re done with the wallpaper. Hopefully more posts will be coming with our progress!

Killing Time Before Work – Awkward English

Killing Time Before Work – Awkward English

Due to a misunderstanding about some paperwork, I ended up leaving my house way to early for work one day. I was hoping to deal with said paperwork before work, but there was nothing to deal with yet, so all the time I had allotted to deal with German bureaucracy turned into downtime.

So I did what I always do when I have stuff to do, I roamed the cheap crap stores and looked for things that would be interesting.

In Zeeman, I was greeted with a dishcloth that I did not understand.

Still don't understand
What do you mean?

They had another cloth that followed the current “word vomit as decor” trend, but all I could think of was #blessed.

#blessed

They also had a tin for coffee that I assume was trying to be cute and vintage-y, but I was a little distracted by the innuendo.

Risque Coffee
Always fresh, always hot! *wink*

They also had a variety of clothes. You could support your favorite #sportball #team with this sweatshirt.

Sportball

And ensure that your spawn understands the importance of social media with puns.

ChildPuns

I ventured forth to Kik, which had children’s clothes with baffling sayings.

But what does that mean?
“Follow the Traces” – traces of what?!
Ready, Rebel? RULE! But can you really command a rebel? Is that what this shirt is attempting to do?
Ready, Rebel? RULE! But can you really command a rebel? Is that what this shirt is attempting to do?

And then you had one girls’ shirt that ventured into creepy territory…

Creepy Kitten Shirt
Meow Meow Meow – Everyone Needs a Cute Little Kitten – ummm, how about not?

The wording of the adult shirts at Kik weren’t quite as odd, but the typography was bizarre.

Awkward Typography
Did you pay someone to design that for you?!

The most awkward thing I found though, didn’t have anything to do with English, however. It was an “Engelstasse” or “Angel’s Mug”.

Angel Mug

This is the most uncomfortable looking mug I’ve ever seen.

Angel Mug Uncomfortable

All I can thing when I see this mug is:

Beeeeach Please

 

Oh Tedi…

Oh Tedi…

This is a pretty magical time of the year to visit Tedi. They’ve put out the Christmas stuff, but the Halloween things are still hanging around, leading to wonderfully questionable decoration choices from the employees.

Questionable Tedi Decorations

Gotta love the ghouly specters hovering over the cheery Santas and snowmen. They also have snowmen Santas with a bit of a Rastafarian vibe.

Rasta Santa

And awkward pin-up pose Santas.

Pin-Up Santa

Continuing on with their trend of cultural insensitivity, in between the Hipster Owl and Oktoberfest Goat notebooks, they also had some country themed notebooks decorated with stereotypes.

Country Notebooks
I only found Brazil, India, and Australia.

I didn’t think it was too bad until I noticed the “Holy Cow!” on the Indian notebook.

India Notebook Close Up
Oh Tedi…

Word vomit as decor seems to be a trend now, with house/family rules wall “tattoos”.

As well as these napkins, whose makers really need to hire a proofreader.

Word Vomit Napkin

Crustaceans? Fresh Fish? Is this a list of pretty beach things or a menu?

Word Vomit Napkin

Don’t worry about us, we’re just sharing lifes while cocooning in our haven of peace.

 

This store is just so entertaining, and I didn’t even buy anything! (I wanted to, but their card reader was down.)

Globus Notebooks – Awkward English

Globus Notebooks – Awkward English

It is a glorious time here in Germany, even though students in Rheinland-Pfalz just got out of school, it seems, due to the staggered vacation scheduling (which I will probably post about in more detail later), students in Nordrhein-Westfalen are already heading back! This means that, even though everyone here is deep into vacation, there are school supplies everywhere! I love buying office and organizational supplies, even though I am one of the least organized people you will ever meet.

The Verlobter and I walked into Globus with his family, and after I managed to tear myself away from the 1€ bin, I was greeted with this beautiful sight.

Globus Stationary

I actually became so deeply engrossed that the Verlobter moved on without me, realized I was missing, and then started calling my name across the store. I hollered back that I would be awhile and he continued on.

I’m on a budget right now, so I unfortunately could not go crazy – and I just got 30 gel pens from Lidl, so I just picked up a teacher planner for my upcoming classes (still freelancing) and a set of desk organizer bins for my new gel pens and all the other crap I keep around and probably don’t need. I did spot some great notebooks however.

Globus Awkward English Notebooks

Desert-themed school supplies seemed to be quite popular this year, I spotted a display elsewhere that had macaron erasers, so this notebook wasn’t surprising. And “Enjoy Life” and “Be Happy” are decent bits of advice, but “Sweet Love” just strikes me as really awkward, so into the Awkward English section it goes.

I assume the other notebook is meant to balance out the sugary cuteness by being all dark and science-y, and what is more science-y then vomiting a random English word cloud onto a notebook meant for German school children. While writing this, I just noted that the word “vandalism” was included, and now I really want to know what text the stationary company used to generate this thing.

In an only slightly related note, Germans don’t seem to be that into mechanical pencils. In fact, they teach their children how to write with fountain pens. I’m going to have to pick up a jumbo pack of those cheapo Bic (or Target brand) mechanical pencils when I’m back in the US.

Just for funsies, I made a word cloud for The American Faultier using HTML5 World Cloud.

American Faultier Word Cloud

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